The Treasury Department announced on Wednesday that after 227 long years, it will be giving women — who control 51% of the U.S. economy — our due on bills.
This is a great step forward because until now we’ve just had to pay due bills, not front them.
The only kind-of problem is that a lone woman — Harriet Tubman — gets to be on the front of the $20.
The rest of the courageous women who’ll appear, each an abolitionist or civil rights activist, gets sent to the back of the bill. Where’s Rosa Parks when you need her?
While it’s great, sort of, that women are finally getting some kind of recognition, feminists should also take exception to the exceptions in these choices.
Why is only one man — Martin Luther King Jr. — being added to that bill gallery?
It’s great to celebrate a hero, but what about a whole new denomination for all the unsung $3 bills who’ve served the public bad while screwing their brains out with their $2 mistresses on our dime even as they screwed the country out of billions in fake wars, favoritism, pork belly bulls— and power grabs? That kind of economic savvy deserves recognition too!
We need a new $3 bill to honor the men who know not just how to pass the buck, but how to squander it!
Top $3 Bill Faces
1. President George W. Bush
Inventor of the fake Iraq War, which he said would cost maybe $100 to $200 billion, but ended up costing us (and still growing) possibly $6 trillion. Talk about a real $3 bill.
2. President Bill Clinton
This guy knows more about money than any other president. As his wife, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said, they went from “dead broke” to his earning over $105 million from post-presidential speeches alone — half of which came during Hillary’s time as secretary of state and hundreds of thousands of which came from foreign governments with issues before the State Department. The Clinton Family Foundation in 2013 had net assets of more than $283 million, give or take a few million.
Hell, Bill deserves two $3 bills.
3. Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver
The Silver Fox was found guilty of earning almost $4 million in illegal payments for using his office to take official action that benefited a prominent cancer researcher and two New York real estate development firms. He also used his position to assume various sexual positions while advancing the state careers of two alleged mistresses, lobbyist Pat Lynch and Janele Hyer-Spencer. Worse, he used his per diem state allowance to entertain his dates at motels so cheap that he’d pocket the change. Cheap pol, cheap dates. Give this man a $3 bill.
4. Gov. Chris Christie
Even though Christie’s been involved in his fair share of scandals, including accusations of gross expense account abuse, Bridgegate and Hurricane Sandy funds favoritism for starters, we propose that instead of full $3 bill honor, put Christie’s mug on, say, a 45-cent coin? Why? The gov just doesn’t fit the bill. Or on it.
TOTALLY ‘FED’ UP
FBI Director James Comey, who should be starring in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” instead of heading the spy bureau, just admitted that the agency paid over a million bucks to unlock the phone of the San Bernadino gunman Syed Farook after the FBI mistakenly locked it in the first place.
Various sources figured out that the sum comes to something like $1.34 million because Comey described the payment as “more than I will make in the remainder of this job — which is seven years and four months …”
That comes to, yes, $1.34 mil. Actually it’s $2.68 million in wasted U.S. tax dollars, counting Comey’s salary, because this guy’s not worth two cents!
And who did this hapless yutz pay all that money to? To hackers, who know more than the brain trusts sitting around picking their ears at the FBI, that’s who.
And what did they find on that phone after all this time and all that money? Nothing of significance. No terrorist activity. Nothing.
EXPRESS LINES
Traffic jams were so severe in New York City last week that streets were tied up for days uptown, downtown and crosstown, causing untold pollution. The cause? The UN was holding, yes, a signing ceremony for climate change accords.
… To celebrate Queen Elizabeth’s 90th birthday last week, the Brits have done the sensible thing: Extended the hours pubs can be open — for two days in June.
… Speaking of witless Brits, London Mayor Boris Johnson blasted President Obama in a veiled racist rant after Bam recommended Britain remain in the EU. Johnson said the incoherent, inconsistent and “downright hypocritical” “part-Kenyan” should mind his own business. But can anyone take seriously a man who knowingly leaves the house in a purple striped shirt and a dead-frog-green tie?
WHY THE RIPPING OF RIPA?
Kelly Ripa is right to be ripping mad at being blindsided by Michael Strahan. And she’s right if she’s ripping mad for getting ripped by the media for acting on her anger.
Be a good girl and don’t make waves. It’s not nice.
In case you’ve been busy training with special OPs and missed the story, Strahan announced at a meeting that he was leaving “Live! With Kelly and Michael” to take a daily gig at “GMA.”
That doesn’t mean that Strahan, who is a rock star in every sense of the word — gorgeous, funny, fast and well-informed — isn’t ready for the bigger time. It’s that his obligation is first and foremost to his partner, even if he doesn’t particularly like his partner.
Why? Because if you enter into a partnership with someone, and that someone helps propel you to even bigger superstardom, you owe them something.
What? Usually the debt includes the unspoken promise that you won’t cold-cock them in public.
SHALLOW SHELTON AND CHAPPELLE
Is Blake Shelton even dumber than Justin Bieber? Shelton insulted every terrorism victim and their families by saying Prince’s death “…feels like there’s been some sort of horrible terrorist attack…that’s how it feels losing that guy.”
Dave Chappelle, however is as insensitive as Shelton, if possible. Chappelle called Prince’s death, “the black 9/11.”
Prince’s death is a tremendous loss to the world, but how can you equate the death of one man—no matter how great—to the thousands killed and injured on 9/11, at the Boston Marathon, in France, Belgium, Turkey, Africa, India to name just a few?
UN-BIEB-LIEVABLE!
How do you express extreme sorrow? Right off, let’s ditch the effort to actually do anything and cut right to Instagram or Twitter — and please, keep it to 140 characters or less.
The death of Prince brought out the stupidity of the celebrity culture, wherein many of these fools posted shallow slop in their rush to appear deep. Take Justin Bieber, who thinks of himself as a great black artist. Bieber took to Instagram to respond to a comment by singer-songwriter Andrew Wyatt, who called Prince “the last of the greatest living performers.”
Bieber’s reply? “Well not the last greatest living performer.”
Clearly that could only be Bieber, who is his own truest Belieber.
